(Courtesy of The Nose On Your Face)
Atheist Sam Harris recently wrote an opinion piece in the Los Angeles Times that took John McCain to task for choosing Sara Palin as his running mate. While his article was quite thorough, we still felt that the measured, thoughtful Harris might have left a few things unsaid. We have taken the liberty of filling in the gaps in the interest of clarity.
Palin: Average isn’t good enough (unless you have a large “D” after your name)
by Sam Harris
She’s not qualified to be president (she can’t even walk on water like our candidate), and in picking her, McCain shows that he has little respect for the presidency (unlike the respect that we on the Left have demonstrated over the past eight years). So let us ask the question that should be on the mind of every thinking person in the world at this moment (How does this douchebag Sam Harris get his own column in a “major” U.S. newspaper?): If John McCain becomes the 44th president of the United States, what are the odds that a blood clot or falling object will make Sarah Palin the 45th (Damn. I wasn’t even close. Hey, you forgot to mention that he could be eaten by wolves or become a casualty of Obama’s rogue late-late-late term abortion policy gone awry) The actuarial tables on the Social Security Administration website suggest that there is a better than 10% chance that McCain will die during his first term in office (And there’s a better than 100% chance that you will remain a shrill, left-wing ass-needle over that same time period.). Needless to say, the Reaper’s scything only grows more insistent thereafter (I know you are an atheist Sam, but it sounds an awful lot like you are praying here.). Should President McCain survive his first term and get elected to a second (You’ll move to France with Alec Baldwin?), there is a 27% chance that Palin will become the first female U.S. president by 2015 (That uppity bitch!). If we take into account McCain’s medical history and the pressures of the presidency (Plus the incessant drumbeat of poor wishes for his health by the kinder, more compassionate souls on the Left), the odds probably increase considerably that this bright-eyed Alaskan will become the most powerful woman in history (Take that Oprah!).
As many people have noted, placing Palin on the ticket has made these final months of the already overlong 2008 campaign much more interesting. Is Palin remotely qualified to be president of the United States? No (This reminds me of the article you wrote about Obama’s qualifications a little while back. Oh wait, no you didn’t.). But that’s precisely what is so interesting. McCain not only has thrown all sensible concerns (You make me do silly giggles in my mouth when you talk about “sensible concerns”) about good governance aside merely to pander to a sliver of female and masses of conservative Christian voters, he has turned this period of American history into an episode of high-stakes reality television (As opposed to Senator Obama who is trying to turn this period of American history into an episode of “Extreme Socialist Makeover”): Don’t look now, but our cousin Sarah just became leader of the free world! Tune in next week and watch her get sassy with Pakistan! (As opposed to simply invading them like our guy Barack)
Americans have an unhealthy desire to see average people promoted to positions of great authority (Is that how you got this writing gig?). No one wants an average neurosurgeon or even an average carpenter (then why do all of you people promote a Socialist agenda?) but when it comes time to vest a man or woman with more power and responsibility than any person has held in human history (then you need a community organizer with close ties to a group who bombed the Pentagon?), Americans say they want a regular guy, someone just like themselves. President Bush kept his edge on the “Who would you like to have a beer with?” poll question in 2004, and won reelection (Well at least you guys are finally conceding that he actually won the election. That’s something.).
This is one of the many points at which narcissism becomes indistinguishable from masochism (As opposed to the personal struggle that Senator Obama has; determining where his narcissism is distinguishable from his egomania). Let me put it plainly: If you want someone just like you to be president of the United States, or even vice president, you deserve whatever dysfunctional society you get (Let me guess, but if we want someone like you to be president, then we are good to go, right?). You deserve to be poor, to see the environment despoiled, to watch your children receive a fourth-rate education and to suffer as this country wages — and loses — both necessary and unnecessary wars (Gosh. I didn’t even realize that the governor of Alaska could declare war).
McCain has so little respect for the presidency of the United States that he is willing to put the girl next door (soon, too, to be a grandma) into office beside him (I am purring with delight as I marvel over the way you worked in both sexist and agist slurs with your more general anti-conservative message. You sir, have a gift). He has so little respect for the average American voter that he thinks this reckless and cynical ploy will work (It seems to be working for your presidential candidate). And it might. Palin’s nomination has clearly excited Christian conservatives (Did your fingers burn as you typed those words?), and it may entice a few million gender-obsessed fans of Hillary Clinton to vote entirely on the basis of chromosomes (As opposed to a large number of Democrats who will vote entirely on the basis of skin pigmentation). Throw in a few million more average Americans (Let me guess, they are the ones who live in that vast, red wasteland between LA and New York, right?) who will just love how the nice lady smiles, and 2009 could be a very interesting year.Tune in next week and watch cousin Sarah fuss with our nuclear arsenal (and Sam Harris begins his three-part children’s holiday series, “The Santa Myth: How believing the lie will render you an AIDS-riddled leper”) … .
Sam Harris is a founder of the Reason Project (“Reason?” Stop it Sam, you’re killing me here.) and the author of “The End of Faith” and “Letter to a Christian Nation.”