03 November 2008
As the election nears, the good folks over at zombiedefense.org have given us yet another good reason to vote Republican this year. Zombiedefense.org is a site committed to preparing man for the impending zombie invasion, however, there site offers many tactics and techniques that also could be applied when dealing with an Obama-tron, especially in a Post-Obama Election Regime or rioting.
Zombolitics: Can Our Leaders Protect Us?
As time flawlessly marches toward the inevitable future (a future strewn with the corpses of the less careful, and ruled by those who can match cleverness with a willingness to eat canned dog food long after others have lost the stomach (or brain) for it), American voters find themselves faced with a critical question of societal import: “With what leadership should I cast my lot?” The staff at zombiedefense.org has prepared the following voting guide to help the thoughtful public make informed decisions about their choice of leadership.
The Democratic Party
The modern American Democratic Party has long symbolized selflessness, compassion, socialism, high taxes, and general queerness. Embracing such leaders as convicted fake war hero John Kerry and ambulance-chasing John Edwards, the Democrats have always erred on the side of pussiness. Such non-confrontational pussiness may be critical when trying to convince a college coed to give you a hand job, but when it comes to cracking shamblor skulls with whatever’s handy, it is in fact a notable weakness – just like Medicare and Social Security.
At a campaign rally in 1982, senior Democrat Ted Kennedy was quoted as saying “Zombies? I’m so fucking drunk I feel like drowning a hooker.” While such a mean streak could be helpful in fueling axe-blows with rage, they become useless when diluted with positions supporting gay marriage and the pro-abortion movement. Current California senator Barbara Boxer recently stated: “I’m not saying that zombies are real. But, if they are, they’re still members of this society, and they deserve the same opportunities to work and live like the rest of us. Or unlive. Whatever they do, we need to raise taxes.”
Despite these obvious character flaws inherent in the base Democratic political philosophy, we must examine their anti-zombie policies for what they’re worth.
The Right to Unlife Act (Zell Miller, D. Georgia, 1999) - Mr. Miller’s bill guaranteed that any zombie (Miller insists on referring to them as “re-animated peoples”) has a right to full civil penalties if injured in a police attack. Such legislation was struck down by the courts in Shamblor Doe vs. Arizona, when even noted feminist Ruth Bader-Ginsburg was forced to comment “that was some fucked-up shit, there” in her decision.
The Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002 - The SOA contains a little-known provision stating that the Boy Scouts of America must bear a certain quota of zombie scout leaders, despite the obvious risks to the pre-gay weeblos. Again, this provision was thankfully line-item vetoed by President George W. Bush (or as we at zd.o like to call him, George Z. Bush).
The poorly named acronymic “HOTBIC” (Homosexuals Ought To Be In Charge) Act (Hillary Clinton, D. New York, 2003) - Sponsored by none other than Arkansas’ own New York senator, Hillary Clinton, the HOTBIC act not only mandated homosexual relations for all elected officials, it also featured an unrelated addendum that made it illegal to use a handgun in defense against shamblors “of any race, creed, or ethnicity.” It remains the flagship legislation in the Democrats pro-gay-zombie platform.
The Republican Party
In recent years, with the waning popularity of civil rights, personal freedoms, and a fair and impartial court system, the Republican Party has flexed its political will on behalf of the people of America. Republicans have led the fight against Terrorism (which in turn includes “terror”, and let’s be brutally frank – one can’t have true terror without shamblors), and their increased efforts to tighten our borders against both Canadian zombies (“Maplors”) and Messican zombies (“Somberors”) have created a safer America.
Pennsylvania hero-senator Rick Santorum spoke at a recent “Focus on the Family” event in Scranton. From his speech:
"Every day, I pray for America. I pray for the wealthy families who struggle daily to earn a twelve percent return on their investments. I pray for our soldiers who are constantly emptying clips into shameless heathens who have the audacity to pray to the moon-god Allah. But, most of all, I pray that if this nation should EVER be threatened by zombies, we’ll shoot first and pray later. That’s why I propose curtailing the right to privacy and a ban on cheerleading."
Embattled former house majority leader Tom DeLay, at a $10,000 plate fundraiser, concurred. “I don’t know how they do things in Vermont,” he explained to a cheering crowd, “but in Texas we shoot ‘em." Then he turned the conversation from civil rights to the undead, and a hush fell over the crowd. Monocles twinkled in the candlelight as he continued. “Zombies need to be killed, re-killed, whatever you call it. I don’t think the Founding Fathers intended us to sit on our hands while our children are being eaten. Wait – maybe they did...”
Their legislation and capital expenditures reflect their mission.
The Boeing AXA - Funded through the current administration’s defense budget, this unmanned flying vehicle can decommission a shamblor from over two hundred feet away with its microwave ray cannon.
The “Right to Bear Arms and Remove Zombie Heads” Initiative - Run through Dr. Bill Frist’s office, this series of bills seeks to legalize the use of US Armed Forces Reserves for anti-zombie exercises in the Sonoran Desert. In addition, it looks to legalize private posession of ursine forelimbs.
The “Jews for a Consistent Death” Act - Authored by Republican senator Joe Lieberman, this act seeks to clearly denote any media (music, video, etc.) that contains pro-zombie messages, so that parents can make informed decisions for their children.
The Republican leadership, in both the executive and legislative branches, has consistently created laws that not only protect America from the threats of homosexual infiltration, but against the looming threat of shamblific deterioration. The research staff at zd.o suggests that a well-informed voter will consider the risks of voting in people who don't like to shoot other people. zd.o thinks that America's post-necropalyptic future will be best served by electing leaders without an ability to empathize and a propensity for violence.