My fellow Earthlings, I speak to you today not as a presidential candidate, but as a citizen of the world who also happens to be running for President.
I know I don't look like other Americans who have run for President. Although I do have Lyndon Johnson's ears. And John F. Kennedy's teeth. Some say I have William Taft's nose. I'm black, that's the point I'm making.
My mother was born in war-torn Wichita, Kansas where she was forced into a life of bitterness because of her personality. My father, a Kenyan, was born with a wooden leg. To earn his keep, he herded diabetic goats in six feet of snow with nothing but a pair of salad spoons. I, myself, was born in a manger with bad plumbing during the tumultuous Philadelphia Phillies losing streak of 1961. So, you see, I know all too well about hardship.
I know all too well that making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. I know all too well that taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. And I know all too well that sometimes, yes, sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. But when I look across the landscape of America, provided I can find a good view, I can see fresh hope of a better future. A future without anger or resentment or disagreement or individualism.
I know my country has not perfected itself. We have yet to find a cure for sadness. Our citizens are forced to spend their hard earned money on things like food and clothing. Men still find it hard to say those three little words. And despite access to hundreds of channels, there's still nothing good on TV.
But I also know that when the world stands together as one, no one can oppose us. By definition, no one will be left. Should someone choose not to stand together with us, we must stand firm and say, "No, that won't work. May we stand with you instead?" After we stand with them, we shall say, "Ha! Fooled you! You're really standing with us again." That's the kind of nuanced, geopolitical thinking the Free World needs to adopt to meet the challenges of the future.
I truly believe we can overcome our hardships. We have seen it time and again in a series of random historical events I shall now rattle off for cheap applause. We have seen it in South Africa where people defeated apartheid. We have seen it at Valley Forge where Washington led his troops and defeated the British. We have seen it in the frozen tundra where Green Bay defeated Dallas with 13 seconds remaining in regulation. Yes, humanity can overcome if we stand as one.
From Kiev to Cape Town, from Jerusalem to Sheboygan, from Michigan to Nevada with a stopover in Denver, From Russia with Love, From Here To Eternity, we shall stand as one.
We shall come together as young and old, whites and blacks, Christians and Muslims, Yankees and Red Sox, Microsoft and Apple, Proctor and Gamble, Tango and Cash -- we shall stand as one!
Thank you, Iran. You've been wonderful.